Unending Pain
by samrocks
Summary: Samantha Spade just going through her thoughts and pain during a bit of insomnia


This is my first fanfic, im really bored becuase i live in australia and we just finished season 2, and WaT isn't back till February, so i hope you enjoy, its jsut a short thing of what i thought might be going on in Sams life at no particular time

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samantha Spade lay awake in the darkness. She couldn't sleep. Then again, in the past couple of weeks she'd found it harder and harder to sleep. She sighed, something just wasn't right in her life at the moment and she couldn't really put her finger on it. The empty, aching she felt somewhere unrecognizable in her body felt familiar, like she had suffered the same empty insomnia night after night at some other point in her life. She cast her mind deep into her memories, figuring there was no way she would get any sleep for a couple of hours at least, she delved into her thoughts and memories from what felt like a lifetime ago.

She was sixteen, lying awake in her bed in the darkness, taken over by insomnia, as tears welled in her eyes. Her body ached from just a couple of hours of paid work. She knew the pain like a shadow now, it followed her everywhere, made her never forget, never be able to completely let go and have fun as her joints ached and stung. She tried to remember how long she had felt in pain, it must be at least six years now, and she had nothing to help her through. Then again maybe she was normal, maybe every sixteen year old suffered the same sort of pain as her, maybe all her friends lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and willing the pain to leave their legs for just a minute, with tears welling and slowly sliding down their cheeks. Was she the only one, right there, right then, that realised she would probably not be able to become a teacher, or an actress or even a policeman? How would she ever be able to endure the pain that overtoook her after at least 6 hours of constant standing. She felt a different pain now, a pain in her chest, it was too cliche to call it an aching heart but thats what it felt like. She would be destined to some boring desk job, she would never be happy, never be able to fulfill her dreams now. Life was pointless. It was at that point she realised just how screwed up she was. She was constantly in pain over something, if it wasn't the knee pain it was the period pain that she had to take 30 painkillers in 5 days for, or the vicious cycle between her knees and her weight: she wanted to get thin, the only way to be thin was to excercise, but she couldn't do that if her knees got sore so of course, being a fifteen year old, she was stupid enough to turn to an eating disorder to shed her couple of extra kilos that only she seemed to notice. And while she was thinking about it, she may as well add to her depressing list, depression. How can one girl suffer this much? Who knew, she hoped God had something good in store for her when she was older, then again, how could he if the doctor had told her it was unlikely she would have children becuase of endometriosis, or that she wouldnt be able to stand for long periods of time so she was destined to a desk job. Well no man would want to marry her if she couldnt have kids, and then of course what man would want to marry someone who was fat? She wouldn't blame him if that was the case, she understood. So what, could her life be any worse right now? She knew there were starving kids in Africa somewhere, kids who had been hit by land mines, who suffrered so much pain as well, but she was sixteen, she wasn't supposed to care about that stuff yet, she ws supposed to be self involved and self centred, but it was hard to be self obsessed when she hated herself and everyhting about her. Her one chance to escape this hell hole was to meet a man, her man, a man in shining armour who took her away from all this pain, she squeezed her eyes shut and dreamt with all her body that one day soon he would come and sweep her off her feet and kiss all her pain away. She sighed, not bothereing to brush away the tears that were falling freely in the dark. She tried to muffle her sobs by placing a pillow over her face, but she just made her body shudder silently. She needed to get out.

Nothing much had changed. Sure the knee pain was pretty much gone, she was taller, her hair was maybe a little different, she was out of the hell hole, but that was about it. Wait, she drank Fit and Thin, but that wasn't an eating disorder, that was being healthy, she still ate food, sure maybe she was a bit busy sometimes and forgot to eat but she still had about 3 meals a day, so that had changed. How was it that she was an adult now and hardly anything had changed? How was that fair? She felt her eyes overflow with tears of fustration. "Dammit" She whipsered to herself in the darkness, there was no one else to hear. All she could hope was that sometime soon her man in shining armour would come and once again, take her away from everyhting she knew, make her forget herself, forget what her memories consisted of. She sighed, not bothereing to brush away the tears that were falling freely in the dark. She tried to muffle her sobs by placing a pillow over her face, but she just made her body shudder silently. She needed to get out.


End file.
